


the only way you can survive.

by thoughtsinplaces



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, also a realistic look at what he went through, that bellamy boy can brood, want some angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 00:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11137578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtsinplaces/pseuds/thoughtsinplaces
Summary: there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.bellamy blake deals with grief on the ark.post-praimfaya.





	the only way you can survive.

there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

denial.

you don’t think about her for months.  
there’s so much to do that it’s easy to keep your mind busy. it isn't real if you don't think about it.  
it’s easier to pretend that way. so you work, sometimes eat and rarely sleep. you can't stop, if you stop  
then it's real. you hear the whispers from your friends, but they don’t dare say anything.  
there is still so much to do, but you know a lecture is coming when everything settles down.

until then you can pretend everything is okay—that she’s safe.  
_it’s the only way you can survive._

 

anger.

it hits you one day, that you’ve been away from her longer than you were with her.  
you feel a new kind of pain, a boiling hot rage that claws at you from the inside.  
she’s left you alone and for a moment you hate her. how dare she get to take the easy way out  
while you're left in charge and drowning. at dinner murphy mentions her name and then  
all of a sudden you’re yelling and you don’t know why, but it eases the ache in your chest.  
you don’t remember hitting him, but you remember raven and monty pulling you off his bloodied body.

the anger never really goes away, but fades into a numb hollow ache  
_it’s the only way you can survive._

 

bargaining.

it’s been two years and you’re still alive. the earth looks raw and unkind, you sit and talk to it  
sometimes—like she can hear you. you just talk about your day. you let your mind wander sometimes  
and dream that she survived, that she’s down there somehow waiting for you. raven's always optimistic  
and mentions several unlikely scenarios in which she's alive, one including aliens beaming her up  
and keeping her safe on a spaceship somewhere. you want to smile and believe that, because you’d do anything for it to be true.

but it’s not. you can’t be just the heart anymore, you need to be the head too.  
_it’s the only way you can survive._

 

depression.

you like the hurt sometimes, you need it. because the pain is the only reminder you have of her.  
it’s the only proof that she was real. you can barely remember what she looks like. the broad strokes are there,  
but it’s fading and the gaps in your memory widen like the holes in your heart. you worry that no one will  
remember her and spend nights sick with guilt of all the things unsaid.

so you write them down, all of it. anything you can remember about her-- conversations, arguments, jokes.  
you write down things you wish you'd been brave enough to say and when you’re done, you lock the pages away.

you can’t let them weigh you down anymore.  
_it’s the only way you can survive._

 

acceptance.

it’s been four years and somedays you still feel like you're drowning, but it gets easier.  
you smile now when murphy makes a face over echoes shoulder and you laugh when harper and  
raven cook something terrible. but you feel like there’s less of you somehow, that a piece is missing.

 _and you keep thinking maybe you'll get it back_  
_that maybe you'll be whole again._

until you realize… it’s just gone

so you learn to live with it  
because _it’s the only way you can survive._

**Author's Note:**

> bellamy blake loves with clake griffin, plain and simple.
> 
>  
> 
> took a loooong hiatus from this show because i was annoyed with how Jonathan runs the show (i still have issues) but I'm interested to see where s5 goes. i see bellamy/clarke like lee/kara from bsg. they just need to be in each others lives in some capacity.
> 
>  
> 
> also i totally believe that the ark was taken over by the prisoner ship and that is why they didn't come back when they were supposed to/couldn't hear or return clarke's messages?


End file.
